Why do we damage ourselves?

I don’t understand humans. I don’t understand us.

Lately I’ve been contemplating a lot about why do we do what we do. It’s really…mind-boggling. Why do we do something we know is not good for us? Why do we still do what we know is wrong? Are we that messed up in the head?

We procrastinate. We cheat. We lie. We bully. We lash out. We fight. We throw so much negative energy around. Why are we unable to exercise some self control? I keep asking myself, why are you procrastinating? Why can’t you just…do it? And it’s that first step that I am unable to take. I realized that. And yet I still can’t convince myself to take that first step.

Why do we self destruct?

Are we looking for a struggle? Are we looking for a challenge? Is that why we do what we do? Do we like the feeling of getting into a tight spot and getting out of it? Is something forbidden that much sweeter?

I think we feel the need to struggle. Or maybe our temperament is just not in sync with our life and we always look for that synchronous rhythm. We are like graphs. When everything is stable and plateau, our hearts seldom are. With every heart beat, our emotions are waves and our minds are frequencies that spike every fraction of a fraction of time. And so we keep trying to synchronize our graphs with the graph of the universe. Some do it in a productive way. Most of us do it in a destructive way, like a downward spiral. Stable and plateau does not seem to be human nature. And so by human nature, we will always procrastinate, lie, cheat, go to war.

I think most of us who have jobs and a place to live in and food to eat, we are very fortunate. And yet we keep looking for something because it isn’t enough. We look for love, we look for struggle, we look for answers. There are very few individuals who are truly at peace. Maybe we are always looking for this peace, and that is why we never reach it.

But I don’t want to think about why anymore. I want to know how. How do we stop damaging ourselves? Do we embrace these waves? Do we stop looking for peace? Do we contain it or let it out?

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